As an owner of a new speech therapy-based company, I have obsessed over the topic of my first blog, due to its significance. What is the most important subject that a communication disorder specialist would want to convey?
How to talk with passion and precision, learning public-speaking tips, quick fixes for communication issues….
In the end, I realized that I must not start with talking, but with a topic even more important – how to listen.
All communication is based on a giant feedback loop involving the brain, the mouth, the ears and back again. Older clinicians are well versed in the Speech Chain by Denes and Pinson, likely one of the first textbooks assigned for a budding Speech Pathologist. Included in the book is a picture which is burned into my memory and remarkably important when teaching patients and families about communication disorders (you must understand the “normal” before you can learn the “abnormal”).
It looks a little confusing at first with some fancy words to describe each portion, but the gist of it is quite simple and elegant:
Your brain has a thought;
it decides on the words you want to say;
your speech muscles formulate the words and speak them;
your ears hear those words and return the signal to the brain;
whereby your brain deciphers what was said and pronounces,
“Good, I said the right thing,” or “No, I didn’t mean that – let’s try again.”
Over and over this cycle repeats. We are generally unaware of all the work that goes on in generating coherent speech. Despite the amount of time we talk, how much time do we really stop and listen?
I am the chief culprit of my own blog topic, trying to listen to my family while I am cooking dinner and simultaneously scrolling through my Facebook feed, perhaps with music playing in the background, and then I verbalize some semi-lucid comment in response as if I am really paying attention.
This is not what Denes and Pinson had in mind….
We believe that communication is all about talking, but without listening, we are just making noise.
When is the last time you stopped everything and just listened to your spouse when he/she talks? Or to a child or grandchild when they are relating a problem or struggle without injecting your opinion? What about communication during a conflict? Have we even listened to others thoughts and feelings on the issue?
As it says in the Bible: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” (James 1:19, NIV)
Stephen Covey states in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
Listening is the key to understanding, and understanding is where real communication begins.
Here is a short list of action items provided to improve your listening (and understanding) skills:
Turn off everything but your ears.
That means television, computers, phones, music, and even the random thoughts that zip around the brain. Reduce any extraneous stimuli that can distract you.
Stop moving.
It is awfully hard to have a conversation while juggling loads of laundry or jogging through a neighborhood. Sometimes, a good conversation can happen on a pleasant walk but generally movement = something else to grab your attention.
Focus your brain.
This is a tough one. As a society, I believe we simply do not know how to focus as well as we used to for many reasons (the vast amount of readily-available information, the overwhelming feeling that there is “so much to do” on any given day, etc.).
We perform as we practice. Therefore, if we do not demand a high load of attention to any given situation, it is hard to muster up the deliberate concentration needed to achieve it. If you are not used to reading 700-page books, the first one you pick up might be your last!
Quiet meditation, prayer, and mindfulness training are also great ways to learn to slow down and focus.
Restate what you hear.
Repeat in your own words what is being said, to verify that you heard the message correctly. It is not necessary to parrot words back to the speaker but responding with a comment to indicate understanding is important and can occasionally be a bridge to real communication.
Listening is so important in the communication chain that without it, communication falls apart. Consider the person recovering from a stroke, especially when it affects their comprehension of language. Receptive aphasia is truly a challenging situation, with a typical interaction as such:
Wife: “What to do you want for dinner, Vern?”
Husband with aphasia: “Yes”
Wife: “No, WHAT do you want to eat?”
Husband: “Yes, ok.”
Wife, now getting exasperated: “No, WHAT do YOU want to EAT?” with multiple gestures indicating food and eating as well as pointing at her husband.
Husband: “Oh, ok.”
Wife, shaking her head and shrugging her shoulders: “Fine. Hamburgers it is.”
The skill and ability to fully listen is vital to communicating.
Appreciate the sound of the world-birds singing, babies laughing – whatever brings you joy, and practice listening during conversations without the distractions of the day. Imagine all the great things you can hear!
Be blessed,
Amy
September 2020
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